Hi there fellow Sick Nurses!

I am home. What an experience that was. Great, hard, life changing. I met so many absolutely wonderful “like minded” individuals…fellow addicts and alcoholics…it was truly amazing. I am not sure if I mentioned the drug I “went out” on.

It was Ambien. Sweet little harmless sleeping pill…I never even got high off of it…I merely got NUMB.  And that is where I wanted to be. My relapse lasted for only a few weeks. But so many problems developed as a result of the sleepiness and amnesia that those weeks caused havoc for my family and my career. Who would’ve thunk?

Back in March, I realized that I had a problem with the Adderal I was taking and I stopped it. There were huge problems with that drug as well. I am an addict and I cannot safely take any mind altering substance. Sad sad factoid. But true…true.

So I now have a sponsor and I am FORCING myself to follow the “suggestions” she has laid out for me…praying for the willingness to do the deal. But oh my God how I HATE meetings. I HATE them! Maybe I will get to the point where I can tolerate them. Maybe I will learn to love them. I don’t know. I DON’T know!

Today I did an online meeting, and that was ok. A little busy, but well moderated. Something to do in a pinch.

Anyway, I would love to hear from you all. Tell me how you are doing.

Syck

It’s my first Monday here at this Rehab facility. Last night I had a very uncomfortable event occur. We were to have an alumni speaker come to our AA meeting and…what to my wondering eyes should appear..but a nurse that I work with…who was standing frightfully near. My dear friends in Diversion PTSD, what do you think this honest and forthright SECOND timer did?

Did she stay and congratulate the speaker on his great story and 4 years of sobriety?

Hell no! She literally crawled out of the room as fast as her hands and knees could carry her…you bet she did. My hospital believes I am on Depression leave. And how about if we keep it that way shall we? I gotta make it there at that hospital until September, my five-year anniversary…Can you say “vested?”

Someday, I’ll walk up to this guy after a meeting and say, “Funny story about one of the times you gave an alumni talk at the Rehab…I was there!! Ha Ha Ha!” But not until long after the danger has passed. You understand right?

Syck

SyckRN (aka Stephanie Rodriguez) …yes fellow RNs and frightened patients…today I relinquish my anonymity…though I do not reccomend this to you…

…is having an ok day. I have lost my first roommate. Insurance woes (and just when will that roulette wheel land on my happy number?). I am told I will get a new one today. I hope she isn’t annoying like me. I hope that I can be unselfish enough to HELP her as much as I am able to. I hope that I can keep my attitude in check while in her presence.

I’ll be honest. It’s Day 3…and I am still not buying the whole package:

I am powerless over my using…check

Only a higher power can restor me to sanity…still unchecked.

Fearless and seaking moral inventory…check check…working on this one…this one will take awhile.

The need for rigorous honesty…check SyckRN will buy that for a dollar.

Resentments…I got a few of those. I am still holding on tight. Will I let them go before it is all said and done? (Do I have to Sam I Am?…to be fully treated to the Green Eggs and Ham?)

We shall see. We shall see.

TTFN

Syck Syck Syck

(Don’t cry for me…I am amongst friends)

I am withdrawing just a bit from the Ambien.

Baffling Cunning Powerful…this disease, that I would ever choose a benzo again.

No?

My roommate, with whom I get along famously, leaves tomorrow…what will the new roomie be like.
It’s really great to be amongst like minded individuals, even under the circumstances.

More tomorrow as I will have lot’s more time.  It’s Saturday, but no visitors for me yet.
Ms. Syck RN…right from rehab.

Apparently I will have access to a computer sporadically while here, so I will post live. I am in Drig Rehab. How do you like that irony? Love you all.

More to come.

Hello Fellow Sick RNs and Frightened Patients.This Syck RN is getting out of Dodge for a few weeks. I will be out of touch..no email, no phone, no computer….HEAVEN and HELL all mixed together. Meanwhile, I will remain as sick as ever and I will write up a storm. I hope to return with a prequel to the prequel. and perhaps a postscript describing the year that has passed since my (un)therapeutic experience in the Diversion program…prepare for a REAL REALITcheck.

Here’s to you all.

Comment:
Syck,I would love to see everybody blog their stories. It is absolutely amazing to me what a tough group we are and how much we have all survived. And I have only heard a few stories in detail. I think it would be awesome to see the stories in full with all the raw emotions–as you’ve done with this blog.
Catmom–I love what you said–start to finish. SO TRUE!!!!!!! They have such amazingly bizarre priorities…

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Comment:
Thanks for putting this site together, your story struck home with me. I finished my program with the BON 3 years ago and I am still haunted by the experience. I even got sent to a psychiatrist who wanted to stick me with a bipolar diagnosis. I was fortunate enough to be able to convince him to hold off and it was forgotten about. I hold out little hope for changing the programs for the better. We have become a punative and vindictive society. The only political leaders who get elected are ones that promise to “lock up the bastards and throw away the key.” You are a wonderful writer by the way.

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Comment:
I can totally relate to what me in the mirror wrote about humiliation. I pretty much don’t go to doctors and my dentist doesn’t know. He has never given me narcs anyway.

A couple of years ago, I had to have cataract surgery which involved fentanyl before the procedure. I just asked the staff nurse at the surgery center to fax what drugs I was being given to a certain number. I didn’t explain why and they did the fax for me.

Narcs were my DOC but the fentanyl did nothing but make me a bit nauseated, by the way.

Alcohol was never my thing but I plan to have a big, fat gin & tonic with fresh lime juice after my probation is over. I will toast to the BON beotches who rode my azz for 5 + years. Gee–may be ETOH will become my DOC after all–NOT.

Syck, I hope you get a chance to post the chapters after 6, I am waiting breathlessly to read them.

Thanks,

Catmom

Dear Syck,

I think what drives me nuts about AA is finding good meetings, there are not many where I live, not a big city. God, is not my the reason I don’t like going. I believe in God, just don’t don’t like having other people turning AA meetings into church, all the time. Yes, I was pretty angry when I posted my long post (1st one) but I know in reality I can’t drink again. I don’t sit around thinking about it either. Life in the grand scheme of things is far better for me and those around me. I don’t want to back that EVER. Sometimes it just feels good to be rebellious (in words only)…..! Like a big two year old. I hate being forced to go so many times a week, it cuts into family time. I have certain meetings I LOVE, but there only certain days, have to work on some of those days. But those ones I get so much out of. Actually, look forward to going to them. This has been really hard at times, really hard. The ups, the downs. Just learning how to live again…… breathe in, breathe out…. I feel like when I’m released I can feel equal again, now it’s that constant reminder that I’m a f–k up, a loser. Maybe I just blame it on the program because I have to answer to it everyday. In reality I answer to a far greater power than a CM. So, why does it bother me so much ? I have not a clue. I love your story, you write so well.

Me